One of my good friends is an excellent pianist. He will sit down at a piano and turn your standard, boring, three-chorded song into a piece of art- dynamic and emotion-filled. Despite the fact that he's been a classical pianist since the age of four, he rarely plays these days. On the rare occasion, if he's been nagged enough (forced), he'll fiddle around on the piano after we've had dinner at a friend's house. Afterwards, I'll berate him for not playing more often because it sounded beautiful, and his response will usually be "that was a horrible piano. Sounded terrible. So out of tune." or something to that effect. I watch the cycle that ensues each time he plays the piano: The initial timidness as he approaches the bench, the build up of frustration with himself as he fumbles over keys or doesn't quite create the sound he intended, then the rush that hits as his hands and head have finally agreed to cooperate with one another and the flow is steady. A small smile creeps up on his face, but then quickly his eyes are filled with guilt because he hasn't devoted more time to playing and he realizes how much he misses it.
Unfortunately, guilt doesn't move us to higher levels of devotion or motivation. Mostly it succeeds at alienating us from the source of guilt rather than drawing us nearer. I've seen the classic, vicious artist-cycle (well known as "VAC." But not really.) played out over and over again: abandoning of medium, sadness, another attempt at picking it up, desire for perfection, failure of achieving perfection, disappointment with self, guilt, and finally, giving up entirely. Sounds silly, but when you're the one it's happening to it's hard to see it and it's got a painful hold. But ultimately what we're dealing with here is nothing unique to artists.
Whether it's trying to lose weight, set healthy boundaries with a boss, finally finish that book series that was started years ago, or get better at being emotionally vulnerable with others- the cycle can still very well apply. Perfectionism, guilt, shame, and the inability to forgive ourselves when we inevitably fail along the way- these are factors playing into our everyday lives and we downplay them because those words sound far too serious and heavy to be used about regular, ordinary things. Maybe we think those words only apply to breaking certain ethical/moral boundaries. But I'm convinced that if we fail to care for our minds and our bodies, and if we fail to be responsible with the gifts or resources that we have- we're already beginning to miss the mark and we suffer because of it.
I've been incredibly blucky (blessed/lucky) to get a break of sorts these last few months.
Granted, I still worked about half of that time, but it was work of the refreshing sort. On about my third week back in Egypt, after being sick that whole first week due to exhaustion, and then doing some basic catch-ups with friends and family, I finally had time to process some of this last year. I so badly needed to care for my own needs after an extended period of not having the luxury to do that (partly due to my own fault).
I needed to reset things in a sense.
I spent four days at a friend's home going between her kitchen, bathroom, garden, and my bed.
I spent hours thinking, writing, praying, and just trying to get a feel for myself again. On the last day, after I felt i'd cleared enough of the past and present clutter in my head, I could start thinking of more future-related things. I started listing all the things I wanted to do with my time since I finally had some. The list was enormous.
I started drafting schedules of what my week would look like if I tried to realistically incorporate all the things I had down on my list. It was doable, but it would be exhausting. I felt so burdened looking at that list. We're all held captive to time, and it doesn't help that I've never been any good at managing it to begin with, nor have I consistently done anything in my life (other than try to be nice?). But I knew that I was sick of feeling like time was "passing me by" and all I was was a helpless observer fully affected by its consequences. But, lovely notions aside, my history has proven that given the freedom, I'll: wake up at a different time everyday, eat my meals at a different time everyday (even using the word "meals" might be an over-exaggeration), I'll shower sporadically because I mostly find showers to be a waste of time (and water), I'll clean when it really looks like I need to clean, and mostly I just handle life in a reactionary state rather than proactively. That stuff isn't necessarily all bad, but if I can't even do the basic stuff consistently, then how am I supposed to do anything else consistently? Sitting in that garden, I felt wholly fed-up with myself about it all.
I've had people in my life try to spur on this lightbulb moment, but honestly it's hard to change unless you're personally convinced/convicted, and none of my habits are damaging to anyone so it's not like I felt morally inclined to change my lack of discipline in life.
Someone recently told me that by the time you turn 25, the habits you've established thus far are likely to stick for life. That about did it too. I wasn't feeling very impressed with my habits. It's probably a false statistic, and I think I've heard the same stat about turning 30, 35, etc. Regardless, at this point (about 3 months before my 25th birthday) I felt I could maybe beat that statistic and show it who was really boss. (Impressive logic, riiiiiight?) So this was lightbulb moment number 1 (I'm highly over-simplifying this as God has been teaching me about being proactive quite intensely over the last couple years, but maybe this was a more definite moment in that journey).
Lightbulb moment number 2 was something I read in a book around the same time; about how some people are generalists and end up knowing a little about a lot of things, and others are specialists, becoming experts at just a few things. I am most definitely the former of the two types, hence the giant list of interests and ambitions. But if all I am is 100%-- except not really, considering my superior sleeping talents and the fact that I'm basically half bear. *Corrected statement: If all I am is 60%, and that measly 60% is then divided between my large list of ambitions, that only actually allots about 3-4% of myself to each of them, and that's IF I'm being disciplined about it. Shocker. I needed to cut down the list. Become more of a specialist. So I did. I chopped quite a bit off and reminded my anxious-generalist-self to calm the heck down because if I got really great at a few of those things then I could later move on to the bits of the list that had been shed for the time being. And so the challenge began.
I started making loose weekly schedules for myself, exercising more regularly, playing music more regularly, washing my dishes on the same day they were used (*gasp!*), cooking again (I'd lost all inspiration to cook sometime during this last year), writing and reading regularly, and intentionally seeking out people I wanted to spend time with. It felt like exercising using my tunnel-vision muscles for the first time. Despite knowing all the existing options, only looking at a few of them and not getting side tracked with the multitude of other interesting things the world has to offer (like 'ooh! Maybe I should take up book binding,' or 'ooh! I've been wanting to write those twelve people letters for a long time now' or 'ooh! Is it time to start learning how to longboard?' or.. seriously, the list goes on and on.) The tunnel-vision concept is no great discovery- counterintuitively we thrive within boundaries and in repetition. In similar fashion, authors and musicians will lock themselves up in a cabin with no surrounding distraction for a month or two until the project is complete.
For the most part I've been doing well with establishing new habits. I'm trying not to push it because I want it to be sustainable for life, so for example I only exercise more intentionally a few times a week rather than the unrealistic task of doing it every day. But also there've been times when I've really overdone it and felt that deep sense of frustration with myself for failing.
This one time for example, I joined a friend who was a part of this high-intensity workout community and I was stubborn about finishing the workout that they'd all been building up to for weeks. I did great and was feeling pretty good about myself until the next morning when I literally had to roll out of bed because everything was so sore I couldn't sit up straight. I felt like such a fool. I spent the next FOUR days barely able to move which meant I couldn't do much other than lie down and read. During those four days of pathetic existence I also got my period which meant I was extra sore and bloated- what a blast that week was. I was feeling sore, silly, fat, and ugly.
Then there've just been the regular failings of writing myself a schedule for the week and failing to accomplish tasks i'd given myself- never finishing writing that song, avoiding studies, waking up too late, wasting time watching shows, etc. Sometimes if I fail enough days in a row I feel horrid about myself and like there's just no point and I should give up on it all because I'm a hopeless case. And the worst part about those days is that feeling of going to bed at the end of the day and feeling utterly defeated, by myself of all people. But what I've been learning and what's made the world of difference is how to accept God's grace regardless of my failures or successes.
Even in the really crappy times, God has stood by my side and continued to love me. That means that even when I felt unaccomplished, gross, ugly, lazy, weak, etc. (you can fill-in-the-blanks with more adjectives) God still loved me. All the times that I failed and felt stupid, foolish, or worried that I was hopeless, I was reminded that as God's child I have an inheritance of renewal and transformation, not just each day, but every second of each day. This includes spiritual, physical, and mental renewal and transformation (typically starting with mental)- I have access to that and I'd like to take God up on his word: Ezekiel 36:26: "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh," 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!," Romans 12:2: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" are a few examples.
As a child of God I wholeheartedly believe in our ability to change, regardless of how naive most people think that is. My failures don't need to define me, my bad habits aren't me, any negativity or rejection I've received from people, that's not me either. When I realize all this- and believe me this dialogue goes on in my head often, I can forgive myself for slacking off or managing my time poorly because I know God doesn't hold it against me. And when I've truly forgiven myself for my daily failures (because that's what they are), the voice inside my head spewing negativity no longer has the grounds to speak against me because I'm free. And so I try again, driven this time not by guilt for failing or outside pressure to be perfect, but by incredible gratitude that I get an infinite amount of do-overs and no one has the right to hold my failings over my head if God himself doesn't.
Alright, that's all for now. Hope that blew your mind as much as it did mine.
Cheers.
Titus 3:5 "he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit."
Unfortunately, guilt doesn't move us to higher levels of devotion or motivation. Mostly it succeeds at alienating us from the source of guilt rather than drawing us nearer. I've seen the classic, vicious artist-cycle (well known as "VAC." But not really.) played out over and over again: abandoning of medium, sadness, another attempt at picking it up, desire for perfection, failure of achieving perfection, disappointment with self, guilt, and finally, giving up entirely. Sounds silly, but when you're the one it's happening to it's hard to see it and it's got a painful hold. But ultimately what we're dealing with here is nothing unique to artists.
Whether it's trying to lose weight, set healthy boundaries with a boss, finally finish that book series that was started years ago, or get better at being emotionally vulnerable with others- the cycle can still very well apply. Perfectionism, guilt, shame, and the inability to forgive ourselves when we inevitably fail along the way- these are factors playing into our everyday lives and we downplay them because those words sound far too serious and heavy to be used about regular, ordinary things. Maybe we think those words only apply to breaking certain ethical/moral boundaries. But I'm convinced that if we fail to care for our minds and our bodies, and if we fail to be responsible with the gifts or resources that we have- we're already beginning to miss the mark and we suffer because of it.
I've been incredibly blucky (blessed/lucky) to get a break of sorts these last few months.
Granted, I still worked about half of that time, but it was work of the refreshing sort. On about my third week back in Egypt, after being sick that whole first week due to exhaustion, and then doing some basic catch-ups with friends and family, I finally had time to process some of this last year. I so badly needed to care for my own needs after an extended period of not having the luxury to do that (partly due to my own fault).
I needed to reset things in a sense.
I spent four days at a friend's home going between her kitchen, bathroom, garden, and my bed.
I spent hours thinking, writing, praying, and just trying to get a feel for myself again. On the last day, after I felt i'd cleared enough of the past and present clutter in my head, I could start thinking of more future-related things. I started listing all the things I wanted to do with my time since I finally had some. The list was enormous.
I started drafting schedules of what my week would look like if I tried to realistically incorporate all the things I had down on my list. It was doable, but it would be exhausting. I felt so burdened looking at that list. We're all held captive to time, and it doesn't help that I've never been any good at managing it to begin with, nor have I consistently done anything in my life (other than try to be nice?). But I knew that I was sick of feeling like time was "passing me by" and all I was was a helpless observer fully affected by its consequences. But, lovely notions aside, my history has proven that given the freedom, I'll: wake up at a different time everyday, eat my meals at a different time everyday (even using the word "meals" might be an over-exaggeration), I'll shower sporadically because I mostly find showers to be a waste of time (and water), I'll clean when it really looks like I need to clean, and mostly I just handle life in a reactionary state rather than proactively. That stuff isn't necessarily all bad, but if I can't even do the basic stuff consistently, then how am I supposed to do anything else consistently? Sitting in that garden, I felt wholly fed-up with myself about it all.
I've had people in my life try to spur on this lightbulb moment, but honestly it's hard to change unless you're personally convinced/convicted, and none of my habits are damaging to anyone so it's not like I felt morally inclined to change my lack of discipline in life.
Someone recently told me that by the time you turn 25, the habits you've established thus far are likely to stick for life. That about did it too. I wasn't feeling very impressed with my habits. It's probably a false statistic, and I think I've heard the same stat about turning 30, 35, etc. Regardless, at this point (about 3 months before my 25th birthday) I felt I could maybe beat that statistic and show it who was really boss. (Impressive logic, riiiiiight?) So this was lightbulb moment number 1 (I'm highly over-simplifying this as God has been teaching me about being proactive quite intensely over the last couple years, but maybe this was a more definite moment in that journey).
Lightbulb moment number 2 was something I read in a book around the same time; about how some people are generalists and end up knowing a little about a lot of things, and others are specialists, becoming experts at just a few things. I am most definitely the former of the two types, hence the giant list of interests and ambitions. But if all I am is 100%-- except not really, considering my superior sleeping talents and the fact that I'm basically half bear. *Corrected statement: If all I am is 60%, and that measly 60% is then divided between my large list of ambitions, that only actually allots about 3-4% of myself to each of them, and that's IF I'm being disciplined about it. Shocker. I needed to cut down the list. Become more of a specialist. So I did. I chopped quite a bit off and reminded my anxious-generalist-self to calm the heck down because if I got really great at a few of those things then I could later move on to the bits of the list that had been shed for the time being. And so the challenge began.
I started making loose weekly schedules for myself, exercising more regularly, playing music more regularly, washing my dishes on the same day they were used (*gasp!*), cooking again (I'd lost all inspiration to cook sometime during this last year), writing and reading regularly, and intentionally seeking out people I wanted to spend time with. It felt like exercising using my tunnel-vision muscles for the first time. Despite knowing all the existing options, only looking at a few of them and not getting side tracked with the multitude of other interesting things the world has to offer (like 'ooh! Maybe I should take up book binding,' or 'ooh! I've been wanting to write those twelve people letters for a long time now' or 'ooh! Is it time to start learning how to longboard?' or.. seriously, the list goes on and on.) The tunnel-vision concept is no great discovery- counterintuitively we thrive within boundaries and in repetition. In similar fashion, authors and musicians will lock themselves up in a cabin with no surrounding distraction for a month or two until the project is complete.
For the most part I've been doing well with establishing new habits. I'm trying not to push it because I want it to be sustainable for life, so for example I only exercise more intentionally a few times a week rather than the unrealistic task of doing it every day. But also there've been times when I've really overdone it and felt that deep sense of frustration with myself for failing.
This one time for example, I joined a friend who was a part of this high-intensity workout community and I was stubborn about finishing the workout that they'd all been building up to for weeks. I did great and was feeling pretty good about myself until the next morning when I literally had to roll out of bed because everything was so sore I couldn't sit up straight. I felt like such a fool. I spent the next FOUR days barely able to move which meant I couldn't do much other than lie down and read. During those four days of pathetic existence I also got my period which meant I was extra sore and bloated- what a blast that week was. I was feeling sore, silly, fat, and ugly.
Then there've just been the regular failings of writing myself a schedule for the week and failing to accomplish tasks i'd given myself- never finishing writing that song, avoiding studies, waking up too late, wasting time watching shows, etc. Sometimes if I fail enough days in a row I feel horrid about myself and like there's just no point and I should give up on it all because I'm a hopeless case. And the worst part about those days is that feeling of going to bed at the end of the day and feeling utterly defeated, by myself of all people. But what I've been learning and what's made the world of difference is how to accept God's grace regardless of my failures or successes.
Even in the really crappy times, God has stood by my side and continued to love me. That means that even when I felt unaccomplished, gross, ugly, lazy, weak, etc. (you can fill-in-the-blanks with more adjectives) God still loved me. All the times that I failed and felt stupid, foolish, or worried that I was hopeless, I was reminded that as God's child I have an inheritance of renewal and transformation, not just each day, but every second of each day. This includes spiritual, physical, and mental renewal and transformation (typically starting with mental)- I have access to that and I'd like to take God up on his word: Ezekiel 36:26: "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh," 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!," Romans 12:2: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" are a few examples.
As a child of God I wholeheartedly believe in our ability to change, regardless of how naive most people think that is. My failures don't need to define me, my bad habits aren't me, any negativity or rejection I've received from people, that's not me either. When I realize all this- and believe me this dialogue goes on in my head often, I can forgive myself for slacking off or managing my time poorly because I know God doesn't hold it against me. And when I've truly forgiven myself for my daily failures (because that's what they are), the voice inside my head spewing negativity no longer has the grounds to speak against me because I'm free. And so I try again, driven this time not by guilt for failing or outside pressure to be perfect, but by incredible gratitude that I get an infinite amount of do-overs and no one has the right to hold my failings over my head if God himself doesn't.
Alright, that's all for now. Hope that blew your mind as much as it did mine.
Cheers.
Titus 3:5 "he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit."